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Papa Murph's Bar Jokes

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya little bastard! Spit it out!"


An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."


Do you know the difference between "guts" and "balls"?

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."


Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

Now Men......Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.


There was a man sitting down at a bar when another man came in and sat beside him. The first man looked at the second, and said, "Do you want to hear something that's pretty neat?" The other guy said, "Sure, go ahead and tell me." Then the first guy said, "Well, if you jump off of a building, the air will catch you and throw you back up onto the building. The other guy didn't believe him, so they went up to the roof to see. The first guy jumped off of the building and fell a few feet, and then popped right back onto the roof. The other guy couldn't believe it and asked him to do it again. Again he jumped off of the building and popped right back up, and he said, "Now you try it." The first guy jumped off the building and fell all the way, hitting the ground hard. The guy walked back down from the roof to the bar and sat down. The bartender looked at him and said, "You know, you're a real ass when you're drunk, Superman."


An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian waiting for her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer. "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!" the lesbian smirks. The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"


This guy comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the bartender, eventually finishing the other two. This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you." The other gentleman replies, "No, I prefer it this way. See, I'm very close to my two brothers. They're both in Ireland now and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together." The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested. This goes on for several months, and then one day, the guy orders two shots. Well the bartender begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. He's gotten to know this guy over the month and finally feels it necessary to ask. "Is everything alright?" the bartender asked. "What do you mean?" replied the gentleman. "Well," the bartender said, "all these months you've ordered three drinks. Now you've only ordered two. Something didn't happen to one of your brothers, did it?" "No," the gentleman replied. "They are okay. It's just that I quit drinking."


A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender... "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."


A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!" "Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!" "Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll look the other way!" So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again." "Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"


A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?" The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."


A priest, rabbi, and nun walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get the hell out of here."


A dog walks into a saloon bar. The dog marches up to the bar, looks the barman straight in the eye and says: "I've come for my paw."


A man walks into a bar looking disappointed and carrying a black bag over one shoulder. He sits down at the bar. The bartender walks up. "What`s in the bag?", asks the bartender. The man puts the bag on the bar, reaches in and pulls out a baby grand piano, a small bench and a 12 inch tall man wearing a top hat and a tux with tails. The 12 inch tall man sits down at the piano and begins playing Beethoven. "That`s amazing!" says the bartender, his eyes wide with disbelief. "Where did he come from?". The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. "Rub the lamp" he says, pushing the lamp toward the bartender. The bartender grabs the lamp and begins rubbing it vigorously with his bar rag. Out pops an old, wrinkled genie. "I grant you one wish" he says to the bartender. "I want a million bucks!" says the bartender. "Done" says the genie. The genie disappears back into the lamp. Moments pass. Suddenly a duck appears on the bar with a poof. Then another....and another. They appear on the bar stools...on the tables...on the Budweiser sign on the wall. POOF...POOF...POOF. Thousands...tens of thousands of ducks begin to fill the bar! "Christ!" shouts the bartender. "I didn't`t say ducks!" he yells, "I said bucks!". The man at the bar looks at the bartender, "You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"


A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve food here."


A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play." The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks. The next guy comes up with a trumpet and octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner. The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars." The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What are you messing around for? Hurry up and play the thing!" The octopus says "Play it? If I can work out how to get its pajamas off I'm gonna screw it!"


A man walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm... MAN: Do you serve politicians here? BARTENDER: Well, of course we do! Jaques was here just last week. MAN: Good, I'll have a beer and my friend will have a politician.